Extracurricular activities aren’t just to look good on college applications. In this week’s episode, both of our storytellers explore their passions outside of science.
Part 1: When Kaze Wong chooses the path of physics over high jumping, he feels like he betrayed a part of himself.
Kaze Wong is a postdoctoral research fellow studying black holes through gravitational waves with machine learning at the Flatiron Institute. He is also (trying to be) a competitive high jumper.
Part 2: Even though Micaela Martinez spent most of her life working towards becoming a professor, she still doesn’t feel comfortable in the academic world, so she secretly starts rapping.
Dr. Micaela Martinez, also known as Aela Hopeful Monster, is a Chicana scientist, songwriter, and rapper from Harlem. Her research focuses on infectious disease ecology, the study of biological rhythms, and the ecology of structural racism. She has worked as an advocate for police reform and holistic approaches to social justice in NYC. She has been a professor since 2017 and has mentored many students of color in their journey through science. Her latest endeavor includes using art, science, and imagination to teach social justice, in an effort she termed Imagine a Just City. For more on this initiative, please visit this news article and/or her website memartinez.org.
Episode transcript
Part 1
I started doing physics and high jump when I was 14. Physics is a simple story. Everyone has to do it in the school. You're told by the law that you have to do it, and I'm a good kid so I do it. But the story about high jumping it's a little bit more messed up.
When I was a kid, I loved to play volleyball and I jump really high. I’ve got really strong legs and I love to play volleyball all day. It so happened the teacher who managed the volleyball team is the same teacher that managed the track and field team.
One day, after training, he'd come and pat my back and say, “Hey, buddy, you jump really high. Do you wanna compete for the school?”
Kaze Wong shares his story at Caveat in New York in January 2023. Photo by Zhen Qin.
I said, “No. What are you talking about? I don't wanna do that. I want to do volleyball. Jesus.”
Maybe he took that personally and then he grabbed my shoulder. He said, “Look, if you don't jump for the school, you're not playing volleyball for the school.”
So I consent kind of and that's how I got conscripted into jumping for the school.
But over time, I start to fall in love with both physics and high jump. Physics is cool because I got a new spectacle to look into the world but also I just sound a little bit more quirky and that makes me stand out among the teenage friends that I have. That feels good.
But then high jump it's great because I don't need to deal with the idiots on my volleyball team. I don't need to deal with that anymore. It also like whenever I compete, people cheer for me. So it's like, yeah, this is what I want.
And, finally, it really just feels great when I reach the apex of the parabola when I'm trying to clear a height. That feels awesome.
But neither physics or high jumps are easy career choice. Becoming a professor, it's hard. Got to be one. But becoming an Olympian is arguably harder. So it's really one way or another. Like when I was 20, I was given the chance either to come to the States to study a PhD in physics or I can keep training with the national team back there in Hong Kong.
At the end of the day, I chose physics. The reason is, at age of 20, I thought I was too old. That was ludicrous to think back, but the world class jumper, like when they are 20, they jumped this high, 230. The tip of my finger. Whereas I jump a respectable height of my height 185. Not too bad, not too shabby. I dare everyone here to jump this height then clear a bar that high. I think I'm good, but I'm not that good.
So I told myself I'm already expired. I really can't do this. Physics is more logical. It guarantees a job whereas high jump I'm guaranteed to use my insurance. So that's good.
So I chose physics over high jump because of logical reasons and that kind of a little hurt because I was starting to like high jump. But what really ground my soul is when I was in college, I used to go back to my high school and teach the juniors how to jump.
I'm a big guy for our nation’s standard so like the kid will actually look up to me and say, “Hey, Kaze, what's your best jump? Like what's your personal best?”
I would say, “190,” but I actually never did it. I claim a height I never did it because it sounds cool, because it's taller than me. Because like this.
But then they were like, “Oh, Kaze, that’s so cool,” and they're running out. I know they're also cheering for me and I always feel a little guilty. Like, “Ah, it's fine, you know. I'll just jump it before they figure it out.”
But then I never get the chance because, by giving up high jump, I never get the chance to prove myself. That really hurt. That means that I'll always be a liar to those kids that admired me. Until the end of time it hurt me.
But anyway, you move on with life. All right. What am I going to do about that, right? I'll just come to Baltimore and never see them again. Great.
So I went on and do my PhD in physics. I study black hole and look at all these like data analysis stuff all the time. But once in a while, I would think about should I do high jump again. Maybe I'm still young enough. 21, 22, 23, 24, maybe I'm still young.
But this time, Physicist Kaze comes in and tells you like, “No, buddy. You've chosen me, physics. Right? Over high jump. If you wiggle back and forth and you can't realize your full potential, you're kind of being disrespectful to that guy that couldn't jump now or the kid that you admire.”
Kaze Wong shares his story at Caveat in New York in January 2023. Photo by Zhen Qin.
I was like, “All right, I'm not taking that. Like try to persuade me more.”
And then Physicist Kaze will learn, use the knowledge that he learned over grad school and ask this question that’s most asked when I tell people that I do black hole. Is there another universe in a black hole? Whenever I get that, answer that as a scientist, I need to tell you there is no evidence for or against this hypothesis. But as a person, I usually like to think that maybe, in one of these black holes that I study, there's another Kaze that just chose high jump over physics. It's not supposed to be funny. it's supposed to be emotional.
You chose high jump over physics and he's jumping for both of us. We're separated by like a thin surface of Event Horizon. But, in this universe, I will study physics for both of us. So that's how I thought.
That's going well for four years and then 2020. We all know what happened. We got trapped in the room by ourselves. COVID. I always think that like what do I regret in life and it points to one thing and one thing only. 190. I claim something that I've never done. So that kind of sucks.
At some point, I just snapped. I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle the stress. So I was like, “Okay, I need a plan. I need to plan to jump 190 before I die.”
My plan was find a job, graduate and start jumping. It's like, “Wait. Job, jumping, job, jumping, they don't go as well together.” But, anyway, I was pretty smart at the time so I was like this would work.
Then I went up to tell my supervisor that, “Hey, buddy, I'm gonna apply for my dream job and if I get it, you gotta let me go. “
I was doing pretty well in grad school. It's supposed to be a six year program but I'm like three and a half years in but I'm ready to graduate. So he kind of reluctantly agreed and then I did get my dream job at the Flatiron Institute so I moved to NYC 2021, July.
Kaze Wong doing the high jump.
Then after I settled in, I started training again. Soon after, I find myself to have an Achilles tendonitis. Twist the knee, pulled it back. Apparently, I was 25 at the time but I'm still training with the mindset of 20 years old. That was not good. I wasn't nearly as athletic. I recover much slower and then I know at that point I need to be smarter.
But the good thing is I was qualified as a smart person by graduating from my PhD. I have a cert to prove that. Then I tell myself it's time to put my skills into use, so I started using physics, machine learning, statistics. I started taping myself. “Oh, this is the joint angle. This is how it's going to work and I'm going to prove it.” And I do it the next day.
Like things go on and Physicist Kaze helped me to plan a more productive and efficient training program. And in June 12, 2022, I decided to take another chance. I went to a competition in New Jersey.
So that was a rainy and windy day on the day of competition. At noon when high jump was about to start, the rain miraculously stopped, so that was lucky. The way the high jump competition goes is you pick a height that you start with and every time you clear it, you go up by five centimeter. If you fail three times in a row, you're out of the competition.
So I picked 180 to be my starting height. It was about this tall. And cleared it at first try. I was so cocky walking around. I was like, “Ah, this is easy. I'm gonna do it today.”
And then they rise it to 185, my personal best at the time. Again, first try, nailed it. Like I feel so confident. “Ah, this is the day that I redeem. Myself. “ And they raised it to 190.
I stand under it and look at it for a second. No way. No fucking chance. It's not happening today. We can call it off. I'm just going to go home now.
But, anyway, I'm not going to embarrass myself by just walking away, right? So I walk up to like the start of my approach then I started my approach and started taking the jump. I failed, obviously, because I was so stressed and feel nervous about the jump. It's so high. It's the height that I never managed to clear, ever. So I was so stressed and I jumped and I click it and didn't go through.
But it was close enough that I know that day I was physically ready. The only thing that I needed to be is to mentally ready.
Kaze Wong shares his story at Caveat in New York in January 2023. Photo by Zhen Qin.
So I walk up to my start again and I was looking at the pit and the bar and something magical start happening. With every breath that I took in, the world became a little bit quieter and the world faded away a little bit. At some point, I couldn't see the people around me. The only thing that I saw is the bar, the bar that I'm about to clear and the gray sky above.
At some point, the world became completely silent, just like the room. No one's saying anything. And like I just feel every pulse pumping through my veins and the wind scratching my skin. At that moment, I know I am ready and I started my approach.
At the end of the approach, once again I was faced with 190, the height that I've never reached, the one that I feel nervous about before. But this time I don't feel any fear, no single thread of nervousness. I know today is the day and I know I'm going to clear that height and I took off.
Before I cleared the bar, I'm still above the bar like doing a flop. Suddenly, the world enveloped, like the gray sky enveloped me and every sense of mine snapped back into me. Even though I haven't cleared it, I know that time I have cleared it.
Then I start falling onto the pit and I start screaming from the bottom. I'm pumping my fist. Everyone was cheering for me just like now. No. Yeah. That was the spirit of that day.
And on that day, I redeemed myself. On that day, I took two separate universes and merged them into one. And I come to this universe, just like the Avengers. No. And in this universe, I'm both a physicist and a high jumper.
Thanks.
Part 2
I was always that little girl who loved trees. For a couple years as a child, I lived in Montana. Right outside of our trailer, we had this huge evergreen and I would climb it all the way to the top. It was here that I would entertain my imaginary friends who were actually a couple of snowy owl chicks.
These were my only friends until I shared about them at school and then my teacher pretty promptly called my parents. I don't really remember that many other details from this time in my life, because it was a pretty uncomfortable period. I remember that I was very scared going to school. I was the only non white child in my class and the boys loved teasing me.
Micaela Martinez shares her story at Caveat in New York in January 2023. Photo by Zhen Qin.
On Fridays at recess, they would gather around and flip up my dress for everyone to see and they called this Friday's flip up days. I hated it here. I think this is why I preferred the company of trees rather than other children.
And so, years later, when I was turning 20, I moved to Alaska to attend undergrad at the University of Alaska Southeast. It was here where I really fell in love with temperate rainforest. They have these beautiful Sitka spruce and mountain hemlocks and these very rich understories that I can go hiking in and exploring. I always felt like this, like magical, fairy world.
It was also here in Alaska that I got my first job as a research scientist. I was actually studying ringed seals up in the Arctic. If you watch National Geographic and you see a polar bear eating a seal, those were the seals that I studied.
In addition to my love of the wilderness and running around on the tundra, I also loved fishnet stockings, glitter, and, at this time, my curling iron, which came quite a surprise to my boss when he realized that his new mentee actually brought her curling iron up to the tundra.
One of the reasons that I loved things like this, I loved dressing up, was I did theater. I was a theater kid. I never took science classes. I think I took one mandatory biology class as a freshman but I was in theater. I would do competitive monologues. I would sing in choir. I danced. I painted. That was my thing.
But now that I was there in undergrad, I wasn't really getting encouragement to continue on in the Arts. But what I was getting encouragement to do was science, because I had this job as a research scientist and I was taking biology and math classes and doing great. So I decided to put the arts to the side and chase more practical things, like becoming an Ivy League professor even though I'm the first person in my family to go to college. Thank you.
But even though I have spent 18 of the last 37 years of my life working towards becoming a professor, it's a little bit uncomfortable for me. I've come to realize that some of this discomfort is really because academic spaces weren't built for people like me in mind, a young Chicana who wasn't raised in a world of titles and affluence and lots of monetary things.
This discomfort became more and more apparent when I got my first post doc at Princeton. This is right after I finished my PhD. It's my first job as Dr. Martinez.
Micaela Martinez shares her story at Caveat in New York in January 2023. Photo by Zhen Qin.
When I was at Princeton, it was this very small town, if any of you have gone there. It's a little bit boring if you're a single young woman. So I would bust my ass working all during the week and then on the weekends I actually started sneaking away. I'd either fly to a different state or I would come into New York. Mostly, I would go to Harlem. And I created a side gig for myself doing promo for underground rappers.
Now, at the same time, my maternal grandmother was dying and so I went to visit her. She had always been a church organist. So when I was with her, she sat me down on her piano bench and she played the piano and I sang. My mother and my aunts gathered around and we all sang.
My grandmother turned to me and she said, “Don't ever lose music from your life.”
And I was a little bit ashamed because even though I agreed that I wouldn't, internally, I knew that I had given up singing long ago in pursuit of my education.
Then when I returned back to Princeton, I asked myself, “Why do I go so hard for all these rappers?” I'm going and doing all of this Hip Hop promo. And then I realized it was because I actually wanted to be a rapper myself. So I got a mic and a little sound booth and I started my journey as recording artist.
Then I got my first job as a professor. Now, I was a new Assistant Professor at Columbia University. This was not a coincidence that I decided to take this job which would allow me to live in Harlem where then I could pursue my career as a professional rapper while being a professor on the side.
It was such an interesting time because within hip hop spaces I was always very open about the fact that I was also a scientist. Sometimes, I would get teased by other rappers asking me like, “Why are you going so hard in Hip Hop? Are you really trying to make it? You already have this well paying job. Like what are you doing?” Which is what is your passion. I can't tell you how many times people asked, “What's your actual passion?”
But that was easier for me to navigate compared to navigating my science colleagues, because it was always unclear to me when it was safe for me to out myself as a rapper in science spaces. I learned right away it was just better for me to keep my mouth shut.
There was one instance where a senior colleague of mine asked me to show her some of my music videos and I did. And even though she started with, “This is fabulous,” she then said, “This is dangerous.”
I knew what she meant. The implication was that if other scientists saw me doing things that they perceived as provocative, that they wouldn't take me as seriously as an intellectual. So I kept that side of me to myself.
I started to realize, though, that society doesn't always inherently attribute value to women of color. That, oftentimes, our value is seen by how much we give to society. So people would really value me when they saw me as a scientist but not necessarily value me when they saw me as a rapper.
This has played out many times over the years. Recently, I was in Atlanta and I was coming home from a night out; and I'm like decked out – way more than I am now. I was like dressed to the T's. My Uber driver is taking me home. It's really late at night and he started making me really uncomfortable, to the point where I was frightened. He wasn't following the path on the app.
I did what I knew to do, which was I started talking to him. I very quickly created a space for myself to say I'm a professor. And just like that, snap, like I've seen over and over again. As soon as someone finds out that I'm a professor, they stop objectifying me and, all of a sudden, I'm valuable.
Also recently, I had been teaching a class this last semester, a social justice class. I created this class. It's called Imagine a Just City. The idea was to weave together artwork and the study of social justice to try to imagine a world that we want to live in, a world that doesn't have police brutality and mass incarceration of black and brown people, a world that doesn't have astronomically high childhood asthma rates because of where we place pollution in communities of color.
So my students and I, we would do things like read Yoko Ono poems and then write out policies for how to fix the police. But during this time, I was fortunate enough to co teach this class with a professional comedian. This changed my life because he was the first person that ever saw me operationally both within academia and in my regular life just as me and as a rapper.
One night, we were out and he went to introduce me to a poet friend of his and he got like super flustered. Then the next day, he was like, “Yo, your code switch is so hard it stresses me out. I do not know how to introduce you. Do I introduce you as Dr. Martinez, as Micaela, the scientist or Aela Hopeful Monster, the rapper?” He was like, “It's stressful.”
Micaela Martinez shares her story at Caveat in New York in January 2023. Photo by Zhen Qin.
Then I realized like, “Yo, it's really stressful for me too.” I was like, “And you know what? My name isn't even Micaela. My name is Micaela but when I started college, I was always so embarrassed to continually correct people about the proper pronunciation of my name that I just started saying Micaela.”
And he referred to this, as like, my Batman/ Bruce Wayne life; and I realized: "Do I really want to be Batman and Bruce Wayne? I don't know. But I really just started to ask myself, “Well, who am I?” And I put myself in this cage, is what I've realized. Is over the years I built a cage for myself. And so now, when I ask myself the question who am I, I've had to become comfortable with the silence.
[Music lyrics] “Why’d you, why’d you, why’d you forget about me? Why’d you forget about me? Why’d you forget about me? Who said baby we got love on our side? Cuz where I'm from that’s the quickest way to die. Shot through the heart. I caught it in the chest. Don't ask for my forgiveness, bring me flowers instead. This one's for the heat. I caught him in the streets. We out here saving souls by running rhymes and resting beats. He always do me dirty like we do between the sheets. I love him something crazy like a bumble loves a bee.”
So when I ask myself who am I, I'm that little girl who loves trees. And I've sat under them, I've climbed them and I've rapped about it.